I’ve been quite frank about my family’s experiences as my son struggles with addiction and sobriety. (Of course, this is easier for me than for many because I’m a writer who works under a nom de plume. Many people know my personal identity, but the world at large does not connect all of my family members to our story.)

Because of my openness, I get a lot of phone calls, emails and messages that contain the personal stories of other families with similar challenges. This networking makes all of us feel better — less alone, less guilty, less sad.

By sharing information with one another we are empowered. We learn to take control of our own actions and onuses, and to release our hold on issues and behaviors that are not ours. We disable the enablers within, a key component to personal recovery and maintenance of relationships. We become well.

By talking about mental illness and addiction and the resulting family dynamics, we shed light on these previously shunned and hidden illnesses. We remove the stigma and disseminate facts and solutions. In the long run, the people we love, and society as a whole, will benefit from these sometimes pioneering actions.

If you are silently, secretly struggling with addiction or someone whose behaviors seem addict-like, know that you are not alone. There is help and support. There is not shame. Walk tall. Take advantage.

One good place to start is DRUGFREE.ORG

This online resource sponsored by The Partnership For A Drug Free America provides information, support and resources for teens, parents, users and abusers, teachers and concerned community leaders.

Check it out!

And contact me.

I am here.

How much is too much?

How much is enough?

When  does support become crippling or enabling?

Does unconditional love mean giving without end?

Too much help…

Can it keep one from self-sufficiency, self reliance?

What if the giver feels used, the gift taken for granted?

Please share your thoughts and experiences.

Preventing Drug and Alcohol Abuse

Responding If It Happens

Yesterday’s post shared some enlightening facts about the dire consequences of early drug and alcohol experimentation.

Proven through long term study, scientists and researchers now tell us that the longer an individual postpones the onset of alcohol, tobacco or other drug use, the less likely that individual is to develop an addiction or other lifelong problems, including depression.

Another astonishing fact: 40% of kids who begin to drink alcohol at 15 years of age will develop alcoholism at some point in their lives.

As parents we’re responsible for raising happy, healthy kids into productive, contributing, and contented adults. Helping them to stay drug free is key to achieving these goals. Today I’ll share some guidelines gleaned from my personal experience as well as  Parents:The Anti-Drug, The Community of Concern and Freevibe.

I also want to remind you that these guidelines are no guarantee. I raised three kids in the same way, with the same rules and the same open communication. Two abstained from drugs and alcohol. One became an addict. But we never gave up and we never gave in. We never destroyed the lines of communication and we never demolished relationships. We continue to have hope and continue to love.  That is, perhaps, the most important bit of advice that I can share.

Prevention

Set rules. Let your teen know that drug and alcohol use is unacceptable and that these rules are set to keep him or her safe. Set limits with clear consequences for breaking them.
Praise and reward good behavior for compliance and enforce consequences for non-compliance.

Know where your teen is and what he or she will be doing during unsupervised time. Research shows that teens with unsupervised time are three times more likely to use marijuana or other drugs. Unsupervised teens are also more likely to engage in risky behaviors such as underage drinking, sexual activity, and cigarette smoking than other teens. This is particularly important after school, in the evening hours, and also when school is out during the summer or holidays.

Talk to your teen. While shopping or riding in the car, casually ask him how things are going at school, about his friends, what his plans are for the weekend, etc..

Keep them busy - especially between 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. and into the evening hours. Engage your teen in after-school activities. Enroll your child in a supervised educational program or a sports league. Research shows that teens who are involved in constructive, adult-supervised activities are less likely to use drugs than other teens.

Check on your teenager. Occasionally check in to see that your kids are where they say they’re going to be and that they are spending time with whom they say they are with.

Establish a “core values statement” for your family. Consider developing a family mission statement that reflects your family’s core values. This might be discussed and created during a family meeting or over a weekend meal together. Talking about what they stand for is particularly important at a time when teens are pressured daily by external influencers on issues like drugs, sex, violence, or vandalism. If there is no compass to guide your kids, the void will be filled by the strongest force.

Spend time together as a family regularly and be involved in your kid’s lives. Create a bond with your child. This builds up credit with your child so that when you have to set limits or enforce consequences, it’s less stressful.

Take time to learn the facts about marijuana and underage drinking and talk to your teen about its harmful health, social, learning, and mental effects on young users. Visit the drug information area of TheAntiDrug.com

Get to know your teen’s friends (and their parents) by inviting them over for dinner or talking with them at your teen’s soccer practice, dance rehearsal, or other activities.

Stay in touch with the adult supervisors of your child (camp counselors, coaches, employers, teachers) and have them inform you of any changes in your teen. Warning signs of drug use include distance from family and existing friends, hanging out with a new circle of friends, lack of interest in personal appearance, or changes in eating or sleeping habits.

If you suspect your child is using or abusing…

Get Educated. Learn as much as you can. Sign up for The Anti-Drug Parenting Tips Newsletter or go www.Freevibe.com for information and scientific evidence on drug and alcohol use by teens. Call the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information (NCADI) for free pamphlets and fact sheets. They can be reached at 1-800-788-2800; Spanish: 1-877-746-3764. Or visit their website.

Don’t Make Excuses. Although it’s natural for parents to make excuses for their child, you’re not helping him/her if you make excuses when he/she misses school or family functions when you suspect something else is at play. Take the next step: Talk to your child and get more information.

Have The Talk - Let Them Know You Know. Sit down and talk with your child. Be sure to have the conversation when you are all calm and have plenty of time. This isn’t easy-your feelings may range from anger to guilt that you have “failed” because your kid is using drugs. This isn’t true-by staying involved you can help his/her stop using and make choices that will make a positive difference in his/her life.

Know that you will have this discussion many, many times. Talking to your kid about drugs and alcohol is not a one-time event.

Be Specific About Your Concerns. Tell your child what you see and how you feel about it. Be specific about the things you have observed that cause concern. Make it known if you found drug paraphernalia (or empty bottles or cans). Explain exactly how his/her behavior or appearance (bloodshot eyes, different clothing) has changed and why that worries you. Tell his/her that drug and alcohol use is dangerous and it’s your job to keep his/her away from things that put his/her in danger.

Try to Remain Calm and Connect With Him/Her. Have this discussion without getting mad or accusing your child of being stupid or bad or an embarrassment to the family. Be firm but loving with your tone and try not to get hooked into an argument. Knowing that kids are naturally private about their lives, try to find out what’s going on in your child’s life. Try not to make the discussion an inquisition; simply try to connect with your teen and find out why he/she may be making bad choices. Find out if friends or others offered your child drugs at a party or school. Did he/she try it just out of curiosity, or did he/she use marijuana or alcohol for some other reason? That alone will be a signal to your child that you care and that you are going to be the parent exercising your rights.

Here are some suggested things to tell your son or daughter:

• You LOVE him/her, and you are worried that he/she might be using drugs or alcohol
• You KNOW that drugs may seem like the thing to do, but doing drugs can have serious consequences
• It makes you FEEL worried and concerned about him/her when he/she does drugs
• You are there to LISTEN to him/her
• We are here to make it clear that we will not tolerate any drug or alcohol use by you.
• We have rules in the family. The rules do not permit teen drug and alcohol use.
• Even though you think everyone is using drugs or alcohol, it is illegal and not allowable.
• You can endanger your life and the lives of others.
• We count on you as a family member. Your brothers and sisters look up to you and care about you. What would they do if you were gone?
• Drug and alcohol use can ruin your future and chances to…graduate, go to college, get a job, and keep your driver’s license.
• We are here to support you. What can I do to help you not use?
• Sometimes kids use drugs and alcohol because there are other issues going on like stress, unhappiness and social issues. Have you thought about this? Are there other problems you want to talk about?
• Are your friends using? How are you handling that? Is it hard to not use in that environment?
• We won’t give up on you because we love you. We’re going to be on your case until you stop completely. If you need professional help, we will be there to support you and help make it happen.

Be Prepared. Practice What You’ll Say. Be prepared for your teen to deny using drugs. Don’t expect him/her to admit he/she has a problem. Your child will probably get angry and might try to change the subject. Maybe you’ll be confronted with questions about what you did as a kid. If you are asked, it is best to be honest, and if you can, connect your use to negative consequences. Answering deceptively can cause you to lose credibility with your kids if they ever find out that you’ve lied to them. On the other hand, if you don’t feel comfortable answering the question, you can talk about some specific people you know that have had negative things happen to them as a result of drug and alcohol use. However, if the time comes to talk about it, you can give short, honest answers.

Most importantly, do all that you can to preserve relationships. When you get through this difficult time, you’ll be glad you did not destroy your family in the process.

Drugs, Alcohol and Young Teens

Early drinking and drug use can put kids on a path toward long-term problems. A 30-year study of more that 1,000 New Zealanders showed that kids who consume alcohol or abuse drugs before age 15 are more likely than their peers to become adult alcoholics or addicts, have unwanted pregnancies, contract sexually transmitted diseases and commit felonies. These outcomes are consistent whether or not the teens had a history of unacceptable behavior or came from families with substance abuse or mental health problems.

The participants were monitored for 30 years, starting at age 3. At the ages of 13 and 15, they were asked whether they had ever tried alcohol or illegal drugs. Overall, 11 percent of 13-year-olds said they had used alcohol or drugs multiple times. Half of these early starters had no history of serious behavioral problems or family factors likely to put them at higher risk of substance abuse.

Ultimately, the early starters were two to three times more likely than their peers to become drug- or alcohol-dependent, contract a sexually transmitted disease or have an early pregnancy. They were also  four times as likely to have had a criminal conviction.

This information should give parents a major heads-up.

Most parents don’t think their young teens use drugs or alcohol, but national surveys indicate that almost half of U.S. teens younger than 15 have done so. This study verifies that teens who use substances multiple times before their 15th birthday are at risk for a wide range of poor health outcomes, and that parents must assume the possibility exists.

Open communication, rules and guidelines, and intervention when necessary could prevent early experimentation from determining a lifetime of challenge. If you suspect your child or a young teen you know is experimenting with drugs or alcohol. Act now. You could change the course of his life.

Visit these websites to learn more:

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America

Phoenix House’s Facts on Tap

Leadership to Keep Kids Alcohol Free

Parents: The Anti-Drug

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW…

One in four adults–-nearly 60 million Americans–-experiences a mental health or brain disorder in any given year.

Over 30 million American teens and children suffer from a mental health disorder.

One in sixteen lives with  a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, clinical depression or bipolar disorder.

Nearly 10% of all American children have a serious mental illness.

Most American high school classrooms include 2 or 3 students with a serious mental illness.

Anxiety disorders affect 18% of American adults, an estimated 40 million individuals. They often co-occur with depression or addiction.

Depression is the leading cause of medical lost-work time.

Over 5 million Americans have a dual diagnosis–mental illness AND addiction issues.

Over one-third of America’s homeless population falls into this category.

The facts can be staggering.

The illnesses can be treated.

Learn the symptoms. Understand the illness. Seek treatment.

Be well.